| Kaikki se, mitä me joskus vaalittiin... |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|07:23 pm] |
Fabulous.
I find myself sitting in an internet cafe in/at/near the Eaton Centre, when it strikes me that I haven't written a proper blog entry in 35 weeks (according to LiveJournal... and I'm inclined to believe them). It's incredible, isn't it, when time slips away from you? I've lived without internet access in my home since last October... and while I miss it, I'm also very glad to be part of the outside world again. I've stepped into the world beyond the net, and it's beautiful out here.
At least, it was.
Then I realized how much this world actually sucks. But rather than launch into a tirade against all of humanity (and let's face it, a very public internet cafe is no place to get all riled up), I'd rather just sort of wander through this entry and see where it takes me.
Swine flu. Is anybody else worried about that? Do you guys remember SARS and the havoc it wreaked on Toronto? The city in which I happen to live?! It's not as if I'm going to go all Michael Jackson and buy a surgical mask or anything, but it does have me worried. Especially considering how many ill people will be riding the TTC. (Toronto Transit Commission, for those who don't know. The bus and subway system in this fair city.) Apparently it's going to be some sort of global pandemic. Or epidemic. I'm really not sure. All I know is that when summer hits and my allergies kick in, I'm going to be drawing a LOT of angry looks. I'll be sneezing and wheezy and I'm pretty sure people won't give me a chance to explain that it's not swine flu, it's allergies.
That is, unless I happen to actually contract the evil flu.
Meh... no use worrying about something I can't control. I have other things to worry about. Like updating my blog. Ha!
Oi. I've had enough for now. Apparently after 35 weeks of not writing, I still have nothing to say. So for now, I bid you adieu.
Shepp |
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| Love, Amore, Rakkaus... |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|02:43 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | love | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | Pensive | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | The Funeral Of Hearts by HIM | ] |
Today's "Writer's Block" question (on the main LiveJournal page) is "What does love mean to you?" It instantly caught my eye, because I can't really imagine a more complex question, or one that's so difficult to answer (at least, difficult for me).
For a person who claims to be very tough and cynical, I think about love an awful lot. I constantly question its existence (as do a lot of people, I'm sure), its meaning, its possibility... and I often find myself secretly longing for it. That is, before my logical mind gets the better of me and I remind myself of the amount of hurt I've already been caused by love.
So here's my answer to the question, if you care to read and dissect it.
Love bears a lot of meaning, in my opinion. I've never been one of those people that can throw the word "love" around like it means nothing at all. If I love, then I love fiercely. If I tell you I love you, then I mean it. Of course, I can mean it in different ways, such as friendly love, family love... and of course, romantic love. Since it's a much juicier topic, I'm going to write about romantic love. In many ways, I believe romantic love to be one of the most complicated forms of love.
It's not uncommon to be burned by romantic love. In my own life, I loved someone who didn't love me in the same way. That's the biggest problem with the word "love". It can be misinterpreted. Since it does have so many forms, it can be confusing to have someone tell you they love you, only to find out they didn't love you in the way you assumed. That's what happened to me.
I knew someone, and we were intimate with each other. We were friends... but I was misled into thinking that our friendship was growing into something more when he confessed that he "loved" me. I still believe he did, in fact, love me, but he loved me the way one loves a very dear friend. I didn't take it that way, and so I ended up being very hurt when he told me he'd met someone he thought he could "really love. Like, love-love." I had assumed that person was me... and it wasn't. Not only was my heart broken, I also felt like a fool for thinking he would ever love me. This isn't meant to be self-pitying, I'm just providing an explanation and example.
I find it hard to trust people enough to let them into my heart. I've never had a serious relationship... partially because I'm too afraid to love someone as fiercely as I know I would, because then they would have the power to actually destroy me. Oh, but don't mistake loving fiercely with being clingy -- I'm a very independent person and would rather not cling to someone.
Honestly, I still don't know what love means to me.
I haven't made enough mistakes yet to know. |
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| Ain't Easy. |
[Aug. 22nd, 2008|01:50 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | sadness | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | Tired and Defeated | ] |
I'm tired and I think my sister is still mad at me.
Sometimes she's really mean and childish.
I think she'll get over it.
Eventually. |
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| ennen kuin kukki se orjan ruusu minun hautani reunalla |
[Aug. 17th, 2008|01:16 am] |
Hey, good-lookin'. It's a wild Saturday night (slash-early, early Sunday morning).. and where are you to be found?
I know where I am.
I'm sitting at home, alone, in the dark.
As usual.
I spent the majority of my shift working on my Finnish lessons, which are becoming increasingly harder. I need to detach myself from the "English way of thinking" when I'm learning, it's just that it's not all that easy to do. With time and memorization, I WILL learn how to express myself. I can slowly start to notice myself remembering Finnish words and phrases and conjugations. Give me time.
...
There's a TV show being filmed nearby the place I work. The show is called The Session and I haven't the first clue what it's about. When walking to work, I pass by a huge row of sterile, white trailers. Today, I walked on the side of the street that would allow me to see the side of the trailers that the doors are on and I saw the names "Edith" (I think) and "Ethan". I wondered if those were character names or the names of the actors playing them. I wanted to go inside the big trailer and see what they're keeping in there. Do the actors sleep in there? Probably not, eh? Why do they even have trailers in the first place? Anyway, passing by the trailers just reminds me of how little I actually know about the movie/TV part of the entertainment industry. I know a few things about music, which is fitting since I'm a musician.. but other than that, I'm basically clueless. Must be some LONG hours, though.
Speaking of long hours, I have to be at Pam's former apartment tomorrow (ahem, today) to pick up the furniture she's handing down to my sis and I. I can't remember if she said there was a printer as well. If there is, then I'm going to start printing off resumes so I can find another job. :) Fun, fun. Sorry, I wandered a little bit from the subject there. My parents are coming to Big, Bad Toronto to help out, and I've got to say, I'm really, really excited to see them. And I'll see them again at the end of the month for the BIG MOVE. There are so many things happening all at once, it's a little scary. I've got about 11 days left at Second Cup, then I'm free and jobless. I'm allowed one week to unpack everything, and then I've got to go out every day and look for a job. I hope it doesn't take me long. Actually, it probably won't, because I really have no standards. HA!
1:33AM. Still not asleep.
I'm going to research something random on the internet.
I bid you goodnight.
<3 Jen |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|01:57 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | moving, titanic | ] |
| [ | Where |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | Happy | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Rakkautta ja Piikkilankaa by Uniklubi | ] |
I'm sitting in my room, wasting time on the internet, and all I can hear is the sounds of the movie Titanic coming from one of my roommate's bedrooms. Hilarious! No, really! If you don't watch the whole thing from the beginning, then it sounds really kind of funny when you get to the screaming death parts. That, or I'm really, really evil.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(**Please note, the actual event was NOT funny.**)
Things are about to get really really busy again. On Sunday, I need to retrieve furniture from my friend Pam's house (bed, coffee table, etc.). She's giving them to my sis and I since she no longer needs them. Then Ash and I have a couple of weeks to pack everything... we found an apartment and we're signing the lease on Friday... then we just have to get ready to move Sept. 1st.
:)
Happy times.
<3 Jen |
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| Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Passing Out... |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|01:42 am] |
I've had two dizzy spells today. I'm having one right now and it's making it a little difficult to write.
The first occurred as I was taking out the garbage near the end of my shift. I had piled two or three bags of trash into an empty box, and using a pair of orange-handled scissors, fashioned myself a couple of handles. I brought the box down the stairs, down the hallway, and up the outside stairs with the intention of tossing the lot into the dumpster. As I neared the top of the staircase, the world in front of my eyes suddenly swam and I had an overwhelming sensation of dizziness. I was certain I was going to tumble backward down over the stairs to land in a painful lump at the bottom... but I leaned against the wall and saved myself the trouble.
The spell passed and I continued on my way to the dumpster.
The second one just happened. I was just sitting here, minding my own business, and suddenly the computer screen swam in front of my eyes. I thought I was going to tumble off my seat, onto the cold tiled floor of my bedroom.
I don't know why this is happening. Am I tired? Am I anemic? Could it be that months of not eating properly and a lack of iron are finally taking their toll? All I really know is that I'm exhausted... all I ever want to do is rest. I feel like I'm running out of time, and this is why I push myself so hard. I don't think to myself, Hey, I'm only 20. I've got my whole life ahead of me so I should stop occasionally and do fun things.. I think more along the lines of, HOLY SHIT! I'VE GOT SO LITTLE TIME TO DO EVERYTHING!!!! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO! This is becoming a real problem. My body is trying to shut me down.
...
The band I'm forming, Until Autumn, has a MySpace now. There are two rough demos of songs up if you feel like listening. We've still got some work to do, but we're definitely getting there. I need to focus on writing lyrics and finding band members. I also need to find an apartment so that when the end of August comes, I actually have somewhere to live... see what I mean? No time.
I bought two books on learning Finnish, so by the end of autumn I should be able to form sentences myself. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. There are too many things going on at once and I'm spinning out a little bit, but I'll figure out a way to do everything.
I'd better stop writing now before my sister kills me. She's trying to sleep.
<3 Jen |
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| Oh, Archie. |
[Aug. 7th, 2008|04:54 am] |
 Naughty, naughty boy.
By the way, this picture isn't mine, I found it on the internet.
Archie comics is copyright.. uh.. whoever it belongs to.
:D It just makes me smile. |
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| So Damn Comfy In My Grumpy Pants |
[Aug. 5th, 2008|02:44 am] |
I got an update from Sean on how the music is coming along. He told me that he just decided to copy my style of rhythm guitar-ing for my song "Witching Hour", only it's distorted, and he added a B chord to it. I can't wait to hear how it sounds! He also mentioned that recording the songs in my table-less kitchen made it sound like it was professionally recorded. That kitchen is magical when it comes to acoustics.
In other news...
I haven't gotten a response from Joanne about my quitting. I'm a little baffled, and to be completely honest, hurt. Well, I'm not hurt, but my ego certainly is. I wanted them to send an email saying something along the lines of "Are you serious?" or "Say it ain't so!", but I'm left without even the slightest recognition. This means two things:
A) Apparently I think I'm far more important to them than I actually am, and
B) I'm totally, wholly, completely expendable.
Oh well, an ego-check is always a positive thing -- keeps you grounded and all that other bullshit. ;)
My coworkers, on the other hand, are still reeling from the news, so there's hope for my legacy yet.
I'm still not exactly sure what I'm going to do once I'm gone... but I'll find something.
ANNE COMES BACK TO TORONTO ON THURSDAY!!!!!!!!!! We're having a potluck at Tina's house, and I'm SO excited. I miss Anne! I refuse to think about her returning to Germany at the end of August, but I hold on to the hope that I'll go see her in Germany on my way to Finland someday. XD
It's 3AM. I'm hungry, so I'm about to go microwave faux-chicken strips.. and I think I'll melt soy cheese on them. Hehe.. gross/awesome.
<3 Jen |
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| Ch-Ch-Changes |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008|03:42 am] |
All right then, ladies and gentlemen. I've had enough time to marinate what happened a couple of days ago in my mind, let it absorb and take root. I'm ready to tell you.
Wednesday (actually, it may have been Thursday, but I digress), I had one of the worst days at work EVER. I've never come so close to losing my temper in public before -- the kind of tantrum I was on the verge of is usually reserved for my behind-closed-doors monstrous behaviors. I shouted at several coworkers and was rude to more than one customer. I had had enough. ENOUGH, I tell you! I've had it up to here (here being somewhere above my head, when demonstrated in person) with cleaning up after the people I work with -- people who are damn well capable of cleaning up after themselves. I wasn't aware that when I became Miss Barista that I was going to have to babysit some of the people I work with.
Anyway, I managed to calm myself down enough to get through my shift, but I decided that it's time to move on. I'm done with being a Second Cup barista/sales associate/flunky. I'm done. There comes a time when you realize that it's better to just walk away. I need a change of pace, a new job, and to see a little daylight from time to time -- and NOT just through a window. I need to have nights off so I can work on music.
I'm moving out of this apartment at the end of August anyway, so I decided, why not just go whole-hog and change everything?
So drastic measures have been taken.
My last day is August 31. Then, well... we'll see where I end up.
<3 Jen |
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| QUIT!!! |
[Aug. 1st, 2008|01:34 am] |
 I quit work today... details will come later lol... |
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| I'll See You On The Dark Side Of The Moon |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|06:43 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | band, busy, mom, music, sean | ] |
| [ | Where |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | Exhausted but Happy | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Pretty Handsome Awkward by The Used | ] |
Hey guys!
I hope you liked my zoo photos -- I was sort of in a rush to get them posted so I didn't caption them or anything. My internet has been sort of wonky lately and I never know exactly when it's going to conk out on me.
It's been a busy month so far. In addition to working my day job as a barista, I've finally gotten a move on with forming a band. I don't remember whether or not I mentioned that I wrote lyrics for the music my band-mate Sean had written, and so now we've got one official complete song. I spent a couple of hours today recording vocals for the song, which is called "Human Nature" by the way. It's just a really rough one-take deal... actually, I cough right in the middle of the second verse, but we'll put the finishing touches on it later on and record a better version. The purpose of the rough demo is to start a MySpace page that we can use to find additional members. We also recorded one of my songs, called "Witching Hour", and Sean's going to come up with more music for it. It's just a two-chord song, so I hope it won't be too difficult for him to add to it. So the music thing is going really well right now. We meet up at least once a week on one of my days off (usually Monday or Tuesday). I feel like I'm accomplishing something and that we're moving in the right direction.
On another note, I miss my parents terribly, especially my mother. I haven't seen my mom in approximately two months. I'm trying to find the time to go back to Fesserton to spend some time with her, but with work and band and trying to find an apartment, it's not that easy. My life has become deliciously crowded and hectic, and I know she understands, but still.
Well, I've got some other things to do today, so I guess I'd better get going.
<3 Jen |
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| Just Another Manic Monday |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|06:29 pm] |
Well, another week has come and gone. I managed to survive a couple of rough and uncomfortable closing shifts and now I stand alone, triumphant. For the time being, anyway.
Tomorrow is my much talked-about, long-awaited trip to the Toronto Zoo. I am still excited. I think there's a certain appeal to being awake and out of doors during the day, when there's sunlight and other people are awake. I'm looking forward to a potential sunburn and if I can get heat/sun-stroke, so much the better. I'm lacking in Vitamin D these days... life as a humanistic vampire isn't working so well for me anymore.
But think of the pictures I'll have for you! :) I'm psyched to see the giraffes.
<3 Jen |
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| Ice, Ice, Baby. |
[Jul. 9th, 2008|03:48 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | cold, happy, zoo | ] |
| [ | Where |
| | ICE | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | Ridiculously Content. | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Time Is Running Out by Muse | ] |
I'm freezing to death in my apartment right now. One of my roommates puts the AC down on 10 and leaves it there. 10!!! THAT'S TOTAL INSANITY!
Anyway, equipped with wrist warmers and the will to be warm, I think I'll be fine.
Joanne gave me Tuesday off... which means soon enough I'll have funky zoo-trip pictures for you guys.
SO EXCITED.
<3 |
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| Nose To The Grindstone. |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|03:40 am] |
It's just sort of one of those nights.
It's back to work for me tomorrow (I had Sunday and Monday off). Basically, this week will be exactly like the one before it, and assuming the monotony of it doesn't make me actually claw my own eyeballs out and rip them, screaming, from my head, I will go to the Toronto Zoo next Tuesday with some friends. We'll be taking a gander at the fantastic animals and we're going to have a nifty picnic lunch. I'm pondering bringing something fruity and juicy and full of summer. This is all with the hope that Joanne will NOT schedule me to close that night. If she does, I'll be none too impressed.
I actually got a phone call from Joanne the other night when I was closing. It went something like this:
ME: Hello?
JOANNE: Hi Jen. How are you?
ME: I'm fine. How are you?
JOANNE: Good. So, tell me, what's going on on the fifteenth?
ME: What?
JOANNE: You, Tina, and John all asked for it off. Is something going on?
ME: Oh, yeah. We're going to the zoo.
JOANNE: Oh, I thought someone was having a party and I wasn't invited.
[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FOLLOWED BY MY FORCED LAUGHTER]
ME: No. We're just going to the zoo.
JOANNE: [Silence]
ME: Um, well, John's never been to the zoo and I haven't been there in a long time.
JOANNE: Well, the animals haven't changed.
[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]
ME: Um...
JOANNE: Well, I'm going to need someone to close that night...
[I RECOGNIZE THE HINT BUT SAY NOTHING]
JOANNE: Well, I guess if Alex asks for it off too, you guys will have to draw straws.
ME: OK.
JOANNE: OK. I just wanted to know if something was going on.
ME: OK.
JOANNE: OK. Have a good night, Jen.
ME: OK. You too.
[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE, FOLLOWED BY HANGING UP]
This is how 95% of my conversations with Joanne are: uncomfortable, and she always tries to con me into offering to work, which I never do. I recognize that she's hinting for me to offer to work, I simply ignore the verbal and non-verbal cues she gives me. This creates a lot of very awkward moments. I still can't believe she actually said, "The animals haven't changed". OF COURSE THEY HAVEN'T!!!!! I'm not going there to see the animals (although they're pretty groovy, don't get me wrong), I'm going there to have a fun day off work and to wander the zoo with my friends from work. She has this insatiable need to snuff out the life of any hints of fun.
When I closed on Canada Day, she called me up, presumably drunk, to ask me to do something "creative". I responded to that suggestion with, "Like what? Draw a flag?", to which she responded, "No, I was thinking more like cleaning something that's usually overlooked."
Yeah.... Happy Fucking Canada Day to you too, boss lady.
Meh... none of that shit matters -- work will always suck until I'm actually doing something I really enjoy. Which will never be hocking lattes at rich people who can't even see fit to tip me. Not that I'm bitter. Maybe a little sour, but never bitter.
....Maybe a LITTLE bitter.
Anyway, I'll be back with my nose to the grindstone soon enough. Hey, I might even sleep tonight! Just think of that!
<3 Jen |
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| Torture |
[Jul. 6th, 2008|04:47 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | tired | ] |
| [ | Where |
| | Tired | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | Tired | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Tired. | ] |
I.
Am.
So.
Freaking.
Exhausted.
:( |
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| A Seemingly Endless Chronicle Of Self-Sabotage |
[Jul. 6th, 2008|04:10 am] |
Never mind the title.
I just finished watching Bridge To Terabithia and damn, it made me sad. My eyes are burning from all the senseless crying I did. And I do mean crying. Not that elegant, shed-only-a-single-glistening-tear shit. I mean CRYING. Sobbing, hacking, coughing, sniffling, rocking back and forth, wholly unattractive crying. Something about that cute-as-a-button little girl... anyway, just in case you haven't seen it, I won't say any more. But the point is, right now I'm a weepy sack of shit with puffy eyes, sitting in front of her computer screen in the dark, contemplating watching yet another movie. Or I might sleep. Or learn some Finnish. I don't know.
I'm supposed to meet with Sean tomorrow to talk about music and sing him the lyrics I wrote for the music he gave me. I'm considerably nervous about my lyrics. I wouldn't want to take a lyrical shit all over the perfectly wonderful music he wrote, if you know what I'm getting at. There's a very big part of me that wants to crawl into bed and stay there for the next two days (which, by the way, I have off from work), but that's a monumental waste of time. It's not like I'm going to live forever -- so I should actually DO SOMETHING with the time I've been given, and get a move on with making my dreams a reality and all that.
This Monday is open mic night, and come hell or high water, I'm going. I'm getting my procrastinating ass back up on that stage. It's time.
With the way I'm feeling right now, spending all of tomorrow sleeping sounds incredible. The night shift is seriously fucking with me. I can't sleep properly. Very, very soon I will have to talk to Joanne about giving me some day shifts. I need to be able to actually meet up with Sean.
I think I'm going to cancel tomorrow. Maybe I can convince him to meet me at Free Times Cafe on Monday though, and we can get a drink and hang out and talk about music.
Oy.
My head hurts.
Oh, by the way, happy belated Canada Day!!! (I'm Canadian, FYI.) And happy belated Fourth of July to my American buddies!!
I'd better go do something else now.
<3 Jen |
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| BAND SHAME! |
[Jun. 23rd, 2008|04:07 am] |
I'm coming out in the open, guys, and admitting to all the shitteous music I happen to LOVE. Yes, L.O.V.E. (that's an unintentional reference to Ashlee Simpson, whom I happen to loathe).
SO! Here we go. I'll admit my guilty-pleasure bands and the songs I love in particular. Feel free to do the same.. come out in the open!!
Alice Cooper - Poison (among other wicked songs)
This is 1980's glam rock at its finest. Poison... well, let me put it to you like this: once I listen to it once, I have to listen to it 50 000 times. It gets jammed in my head and stuck on repeat. I don't know if it's the riff or the fantastic typical '80's lyrics, but something about it makes me happy. It could also have something to do with the fact that I used to listen to it ALL THE TIME when I was about 8 or 9. Oh yeah.
N Sync - It's Gonna Be Me
This is embarrassing and inexplicable, but when I was around 15/16, I had a MASSIVE crush on Justin. Yeah. I'm not proud. I even bought HIS album... but anyway, there's something sort of catchy about this song.
HIM - Join Me In Death (along with countless others)
I find humor in HIM's music. I'm not one of those teenyboppers who religiously listens to HIM and thinks about what it might be like to fuck Ville Valo. No, no. I love "Join Me" because, to me, it seems that Ville has a sense of humor.. I mean, COME ON. Listen to the lyrics -- that's HILARIOUS. I don't know whether or not it's meant to be comical.. maybe they just knew their target audience would listen to the romantic words and fall in love with (as in, buy merchandise featuring) the metrosexual, pretty-boy lead singer. Either way, I love this band a lot, but it's not necessarily something I would freely admit in person. ;-)
My Chemical Romance - Basically, the whole Black Parade album.
What? Even if it's classified as "emo", I'm not an emo-kid. I just happen to really love the songs. Ahem. Shut up.
Evanescence - The entire Fallen album, some of The Open Door.
The first album got me through some tough times, so I have a soft spot for Ev. You know, before it became The Amy Lee Show.
For the time being, these are the only ones I can think of.
Oh, by the way, I'm not actually ashamed of any of these bands, I openly admit to loving music that most people deem lame. But I figure, since I'm not forcing anyone to listen to the same things as I am, then they should leave me alone. I'll never listen to something just because it's considered "edgy" or "cool". I take pride in being a loser.
ROCK ON.
Oh, Alice Cooper... he's really rocking my world these days. I think I need some leather pants and eyeliner.
<3 Jen |
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| A Case Of Mistaken Identity? |
[Jun. 23rd, 2008|03:49 am] |
I couldn't resist... can you really blame me?
more cat pictures
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!
<3 Jen
P.S. A real entry is coming soon, I swear. But, come on. A RACCOON. |
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| Free Times And A Great Big Smile |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|03:13 am] |
I had an AMAZING night! I played two songs at a nifty little joint called Free Times Cafe and I had such a good time there, it was practically ridiculous. My friends Alex and Tina came out to support me, and the crowd was very awesome. It was hosted by Noah Zacharin, who's pretty awesome and totally worth a listen. (I apologize for overuse of the phrase "pretty awesome".) So I'm going to be there next Monday to play two different songs. I need to work on my on-stage comfort level....
To anyone who was there, thanks for a great time!
<3 Jen |
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